Diego M Sieiro 150

Diego M. Sieiro

My Lovely Susie

The spit bubbled for a second before being consumed by the fire. The old grandmother stirred the logs and puffed. “Bastards, the lot of them”, she said. “May thunder strike and burn them to a crisp.”

Grandpa chuckled, remaining silent as too many cuss words jammed the way out of his mouth, instead letting a long sigh through.

“Who are we cussing about now?” asked uncle Rico. “Is it the invaders, the neighbors or our cousins?”

“You know damn right, who is it we are talking about!” said grandpa.

Uncle Rico kept silent; he was in clear danger of being smacked. After all, soon enough a word, phrase or recurring insult would be uttered, and the culprit of the family’s mishaps would be revealed.

“Rico, sometimes I truly think that you are daft”.

“We are talking about your damn cousins, you oaf”, said grandpa.

“Another moron for me is a pile of them,” said grandma. “You were not listening to me, were you now?”

Both grandpa and uncle Rico became suddenly interested in the shape of the floor.

“We are talking about them lazy eejits”, said Declan.

“Them lazy eejits”, said grandpa. “Not good enough to grow their own potatoes.”

“Lying through their teeth”, said Rico; “Stealing our land to grow cabbage for the invaders.”

Declan checked himself just in time, he had almost said his grandmother’s fox catchphrase. That mistake he had done but once, and once only, as his mouth still ached on cold days from the wooden spoon smack.

“Cunning as foxes they think they are”, said grandma. The sentence included a brief pause, for the intake of air needed to say the next bit louder. “But they’re not. They are vile as moles.”

“If it were not for them, our Mary would have married Desmond O’Hara, good auld chap that he was, instead of the waster that left her”, said Grandpa.

“I would have me a fine nephew, instead of this here Declan tosser”, said Rico.

“There you are again with them fancy notions. Cork it,” said grandma. “You could have married the Finn girl and you made a pure bags of it.”

“It’s not my fault the neighbour feckers…”

“Shut up, Shut up, Shut up about them neighbors already”, said Grandma; “She bolted after that church business.”

“Spot on”, said Declan, “If he hadn’t drank his arse off before going to mass he wouldn’t have passed out and shat on his breeches.”

“A disgrace for the family, that’s right”, said grandpa. “We almost got away, if not for the smell. Even me old eyes, accustomed to all types of harshness, watered from that vile stench.”

“You had to stuff yer face with all that cabbage didn’t you?” said grandma. “I told you to leave some for me dinner, but greedy pig Rico only listens to his belly.”

“Poor Concepta”, said grandpa; “Disgraced in front of everybody, cause of you.”

“Rotten bastard,” said Declan. “You gave her a nosebleed just before she got sick all over herself.”

“It’s the curse of the sauce,” said Rico; “Ruins the best of us.”

“Ruins the best of me hole”, said Grandpa. “You were always a bloody eejit, ever since you was a wee bedwetter.”

“It was Mary who wetted herself, not me.”

A gust of wind stirred the flames, “Ye Lying gobshite,” said Mary as she entered the hovel. “Me legs still itch when I look at you—you piss bag.”

“Good afternoon Mother”, said Mary. “Good afternoon Father.”

“Mammy, what kept you so long?” said Declan. “We’ve been waiting ages fer ye.”

“Dinner is not yet ready, so shut yer gob”, said Grandma. “Your mammy is very much on time.”

“What’s the story in town?” asked Grandpa. “Has anyone else hung?”

“Indeedy, poor old Peter Fergusson now dances in the wind.”

“He was pure wank”, said Grandpa. “Always making passes at your mother when we were young.”

“Such a shame that”, said grandma.

“Chancer had it coming”, said grandpa.

“Anything else going on?” said Declan. “Perhaps the invaders are drafting lads for another one of their wars.”

“Grand soldier you would make”, said Uncle Rico. “You can’t dig potatoes without cutting them, but you think you can shoot straight.”

“At least I wouldn’t soil meself on the battlefield”.

Uncle Rico sprang up, knocking his stool back. He grabbed Declan by the neck whilst on a screaming rage, and was swiftly silenced by a knock to the top of his head.

“Let the wane be,” said grandma. “He is not telling any lies. You would shite yourself.”

“That happened the one time only, and was because of the drink.”

“Tis always ‘cause of the damn drink”, said Mary.

“Tis the neighbours’ fault. They got me hammered before mass”, said Rico. “They got me wasted so they could push their fence into our land.”

“A fine good job they did at that”, said Grandpa; “Lazy bastards in the service of the invaders.”

“They’re Moles, the lot of them; walking vermin tis what they are.”

“All them boons they get from the enemy come ‘cause of that slag Susie”, said Mary. “She has shagged the whole platoon.”

“More like a regiment and a couple stable boyos.”

“Quiet you muppet. Your mother knows best”, said Grandma. “That Susie was always a tart.”

“A pile of good it has done for them, all the land they took from us”, said Grandpa. “Now they got galore cabbage to sell to them colonies.”

“Getting rich with the adversity of our people is what they are doing”, said Mary.

“They should hang for that, them cute hoor traitors”, said Declan.

“Wouldn’t mind to see Susie hanging”, said Mary.

“That vixen got them all soldiers well wrapped around her legs”, said grandma. “They are protected.”

“No one is protected if they are informers for the Rebels”, said Declan.

Grandpa coughed loudly, phlegm landing on the dirt. Slowly he stepped on it, twisting his foot and not minding the stillness all around him.

“Declan me boy,” said grandma. “Those are the keenest words to ever leave your foul yap.”

The kid smirked with yellowed teeth; whilst Rico scowled, wishing he had come up with the definitive way of dealing with the next door plague and recovering the stolen lands.

“Don’t we need to show some proof?” asked Rico in hopes of banjaxing Declan’s plan.

“Damnation from above,” said Grandpa. “It was a bang on idea.”

“We could tell the sergeant that his floozie Susie has been laying with Alfred the Ginger”, said Mary.

“That should do it”.

“But Alfred the ginger has gone to the hills”, said Declan.

“True that, he joined them rebels”, said Grandpa.

“No one has seen him in ages”, said Uncle Rico; “How is he porking her then?”

“They go at it in the forest”, said Mary.

“Doesn’t she have a scarlet rash all over? That’s a sure tell sign of being pregnant with a ginger child”, said grandma. “The sergeant will not like that. Out of spite he will take our lands from them and give them back.”

“She played them all for fools!” said Mary. “Nothing pisses off the invaders more than being…”

A loud knock boomed. Steps upon steps could be heard, as voices roused just outside. Everybody became very silent.

“Open up!” said a hoarse voice. “Open up to the men of the Crown.”

“Now that is handy, the sergeant is here” said Declan. “We could tell him about Susie right away.”

“Shut up…

The door gave way easily; Donald the handyman’s work was as cheap as his promises.

“We are here to apprehend Mary for consorting with a rebel”, said the sergeant. “Everyone here is to be arrested for sheltering the enemies of the state. Grab them all boys.”

“No, you fecking eejits”, said Declan. “It’s Susie the…

The boy was felled swiftly with one blow to the nape. Arresting a complete family needed to be done quickly to avoid any possible insurrection.

“We will conduct a thorough questioning of this imbecile at the barracks, sir” said a young soldier.

“Absolutely, we will fray the skin off these lying scumbags”, said the sergeant. “My Susie was right. These are but a lot of unsavory vagrants”.

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