Gregg Maxwell Parker

Highlights from the Celebrity Roast of Virginia Woolf

 

Roastmaster Michael Cunningham

 

Look at this dais: Ernest Hemingway, Zelda Fitzgerald, James Joyce… is this a literary roast or an AA meeting? Just kidding! AA is for people who want to STOP acting like sloppy assholes!

 

And of course, our guest of honor, Virginia Woolf: a woman with such a grudge against society that she decided to ruin high school for everyone by writing the most boring books in the universe.

 

Virginia is famous for her novels, nonfiction, and her suicide. I completely understand, girl: the rest of us want you dead too!

 

People say I should be grateful to Virginia since I got rich from a book based on her life. I disagree. I think anyone who can read Orlando without putting a gun in their mouth deserves some sort of medal.

 

I can’t wait to hear from our presenters tonight, and then rip off their books so I can buy a Maserati.

 

Scott Fitzgerald

 

Virginia, I consider you to be a marvelous writer and one of the true great literary voices of this century. Not bad for a pretentious fart-sniffing dickface. 

 

I hope I haven’t offended you. Please like me.

 

Zelda Fitzgerald

 

Virginia, you're trying to sleep with my husband, aren't you? Well, you should know his penis is small and he's an inadequate lover.

 

(*sips Manhattan*)

 

Orwell, the only thing more unattractive than your mustache is your bank account. Although your penis is probably bigger than Scott's because everyone's penis is bigger than Scott's. I'd be destroyed if I lost him but he's a dreadful bore.

 

(*downs 40 of absinthe*)

 

Nicole, you're trying to sleep with my husband, aren't you? Well, you should know his penis is small and he's an inadequate lover.

 

(*does beer bong of pure grain alcohol*)

 

Scott, your penis is small and you're an inadequate lover. If you cheat on me, I'll stab myself in the tits and haunt you as a ghost.

 

(*douses self in magnum of Wild Turkey*)

 

Hemingway, you're fat and stupid and Scott says your penis is small and you're an inadequate lover.

 

(*crawls across carpet lapping up spilled martinis*)

 

You're all poor and beneath me!

 

Ernest Hemingway

 

You suck. You're dumb. You're a whore. I can drink like so much. The Years? It took me fucking years. Only thing longer than that book is the list of chicks I've made get abortions. Life is cruel and hard. I could beat up your husband. Liquor is fine and cool.

 

George Orwell

 

There have been several misleading articles in the socialist newspapers alleging that Virginia Woolf is not a worthless skank. To these, I wish to offer a rebuttal, based upon my own experience.

 

Virginia has been inseminated by so many industrial workers, her snizz is emblematic of the ideal egalitarian society. She’s a slut, you see.

 

James Joyce

 

Aww, shit! J-Jeezy in the house! Y’all know it!

 

Motherfucker, if you think this bitch’s books stink, wait till you get a whiff of that nasty-ass puss! Ohhhhhhhh!

 

Check it: Virginia’s so dumb, she married the only broke Jew in London! 

 

Don’t groan at that! Cancel culture!

 

Virginia’s so old, when she’s in England, her titties are in the Southern Hemisphere!

 

Mrs. Woolf said she would get the dicks herself! Know what I’m saying?

 

Follow me on TikTok! #DeadalAzz!

 

Nicole Kidman

 

Hemingway, you’re the most pathetic case of overcompensating I’ve ever seen, and I willingly married Tom Cruise. Zelda, like the rest of the world, I think your husband is the biggest pussy on Earth… and I willingly married Tom Cruise. Sit back, I’ve got 40 more jokes about my ex-husband…

 

Virginia, you’re so beat they gave me a trophy for the ordeal of looking like you for a few days. 

 

In Australia we have a saying: “Finish your beer, you cunt!” I can dunk a basketball. Later, losers.

 

Ian Fleming

 

I have prepared a comedic joke: why are women so terrible at driving cars?

 

Because they’re terrible at everything! They’re stupid and childish and men are vastly superior!

 

(*laughs at own joke for six and a half minutes*)

 

Leonard Woolf

 

I would like to address some comments made about me tonight, which I consider to be unfair and completely untrue: 

 

I do not have a venereal disease. My penis functions normally. I have never been caught in a sexual situation with a farm animal. I do not eat or drink from my toilet. 

 

I did not pose as the model for Dumbo. My mother was not in a sexual relationship with an entire baseball team. My wife has never violated my rectum with a rolling pin.

 

I'm actually quite successful as an author. My wife does not “own my balls.” I do not style my hair using horse ejaculate. I am not a quivering two-ton bitch boy.

 

Why was I seated next to Hemingway? He won’t stop hitting me on the arm! It hurts! 

 

Edward Albee

 

Bitch, I literally have no idea who you are. Not one clue. Your name sounds like an animal; that’s all I know. I only showed up tonight to fuck Ian Fleming. Mission accomplished. Albee out! 

 

(*drops mic, sets building on fire *)

 

Gertrude Stein

 

Me angry me sat at end of dais! Me big important writer! Me think Virginia overrated and hot dog not sandwich! Die Hard not Christmas movie! Airplane food bad! Me good comedy!

 

Agatha Christie

 

Virginia, remember when you said imbeciles should be killed? I guess that’s why you keep attempting suicide. Nicole Kidman could give you some tips on how to disappear from the face of the Earth. Don’t Google the original title of my most famous book!

 

That Guy from Train

 

A lot of people don’t know that our song Meet Virginia was about you, girl. Some people also don’t realize that song about my hairy chest is really about how hairy my chest is.

 

(*rips shirt off*)

 

LOOK AT HOW HAIRY I AM! GAZE UPON THE BEAUTY OF MY THICKET OF NIP HAIR, PEASANTS!

 

Dave Chappelle

 

Trans kids are the enemy! I’m the greatest there is!

 

(*slaps mic against hip, doubles over in fake laughter, gets $25 million to do this material on Netflix*)

 

Lisa Lampanelli

 

Get over here and jam that big schnoz into my twat, you dirty broad! 

 

You like that, Eddie? You’re the only one here who’s seen more black dicks than I have!

 

Zelda asked me to eat her box, and I said sorry, I’ve got a gastric sleeve – I can’t handle a meal that huuuuge!

 

All you fucks are dead!

 

Virginia Woolf

 

I believe a writer’s duty is to speak truth, to illuminate the pulsing radiance of life, and rip one’s body to shreds in the pursuit of beauty. I shall dash my bones upon the rocks as a violent rebellion against the oppression of patriarchal society, leaving behind only the words that have billowed from my aching heart.

 

But seriously, folks, how boring is Leonard? Is there any wonder I want to blow my brains out? I wouldn’t fuck him with Agatha’s pussy! 

 

Gregg Maxwell Parker is the author of the middle grade book Troublemakers as well as the grown-up novels The Real Truth and Murder, She Vaped: The Ironic T-Shirt Caper. Find more of his work at greggmaxwellparker.com and asseeninjapan.com.

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