John Ladd

Sunday’s Times, Thursday’s Voice

A Play in One Act

 

 

CHARACTERS

(In Order of Appearance)

 

Kevin

Paul

 

SETTING

The inside of an apartment.  There are tables, lamps and some chairs.

 

AT RISE

KEVIN is seated in the apartment and is reading various sections of the Sunday issue of The New York Times.  Moments later, enter Paul, from stage-left, with a folded copy of The Village Voice under his arm.  He is perturbed.

 

KEVIN

(looking up)

Hey! How are you?  How did it go?

 

PAUL

(pacing)

That’s the last time that I ever answer one of those stupid ads.

 

KEVIN

The interview didn’t go too well?

 

PAUL

Interview?  We never got to the interview.

 

KEVIN

Why’s that?  Did they already hire somebody?

 

PAUL

No, it was because although I was- as the ad said they were looking for- “…bright and energetic and self-starting and analytical and able to think outside the box…” (pause) They told me that, yes, I apparently had all of those attributes, but that I was over-qualified!

 

KEVIN

Then why did they ask you to come in?

 

PAUL

Why? (laughs)         You ready for this one?

 

KEVIN

Lay it on me.

 

PAUL

They said that they called me in because they wanted to meet- simply meet and nothing else- this person with this phenomenally impressive resume!

 

KEVIN

(shaking his head)

Incredible.

 

[PAUL sits down in a chair.  He is frustrated and preoccupied with his thoughts.  KEVIN continues reading The New York Times.  Soon, he reads something funny and laughs.]

 

PAUL

(looking over)

What’s so funny- what are you reading?

 

KEVIN

The Times Personals page.

 

PAUL

The Times has a “Personals” page?

 

KEVIN

Yeah, they do- on Sunday.

 

PAUL

(concerned)

Are you looking for someone else?

 

KEVIN

No, no- don’t be silly.

 

PAUL

Then why read them?

 

KEVIN

Because these ads are funny.  It’s absurd the way people describe themselves.  Sort of like the way that job ad that you responded to was written.  You know - “bright,” “energetic,” “self-starter”- only these people simply take a different approach- same kind, different degree.

 

PAUL

Like what?

 

KEVIN

Well, you know that there are different categories of people looking for people.

 

PAUL

I know, I know.

 

KEVIN

(opening to the page)

Okay, here under “Women Seeking Men”- even before they get into describing themselves - their heading are like- “Head Turning Figure” or “Intelligent/Pretty” or “A Treasure”- [KEVIN pauses to read further.] Here’s one- “Built for Speed and Sin!”

 

PAUL

(cynically)

Right, I can imagine that.  I’ll bet it’s just wishful thinking- she’s probably short, fat, ugly and frigid!

 

KEVIN

(silently reading further, then slowly)

You know, it seems like they- these women- all want to dine out, have great conversations, travel, go to the theatre and listen to NPR with someone who is - (reading down the listings) let’s see, with a “successful,” “successful,” “reliable,” “financially secure,” “successful,” “financially solvent,” man.

 

PAUL

It’s just legitimized prostitution.  They’ll give the guy all the sex he wants as long as “writes their ticket.”  It should be against the law.

 

KEVIN

Come on, relax, open up the Voice- pick a category- we’ll go back and forth.  It’ll do you some good, take your mind off that stupid interview.

 

[PAUL reluctantly opens The Village Voice.]

 

PAUL

(searching)

Whereabouts are they?

 

KEVIN

Toward the back.

 

[PAUL finally finds “The Personals” and then reads silently.]

 

PAUL

(finally)

All right, we’re going to do “Men Seeking Women.” (reading) Let’s see this first guy is a marathon runner- yeah, I can see it, pizza delivery for Domino’s; the next one works in the legal profession- sure, just released from Attica; another is a French-Italian mix- that must be the ‘you get culture with the sex’ pitch; oh, hey- here’s one- this guy is seeking a, quote, ‘black cutie’ for pampering- yeah, right!  Another is looking for mid-day afternoon pleasure- oh, and this one wants an Asian submissive. (pause) Go ahead, you give me one.

 

KEVIN

All right, (silently reading) let’s see- okay- how about this one for bullshit.  It’s labeled “Father Needs You.” Quote, “My Dad, a reticent, dignified, educated, world-traveler needs companionship.  Particularly in Paris, and at Black-Tie dinners.”

 

PAUL

What a load of crap.  Reticent?  What does that mean?  No talking when they fuck?  Paris- yeah, probably Paris, Kentucky! [They laugh.] Okay, my turn. (reading) Oh, here’s a guy who’s ad is short and sweet and to the point.  All the ad reads is “Fellatio- Black Male Seeks Female Friend.”

 

KEVIN

Hey, come on, don’t knock the guy.  At least he wants her to be his friend before she blows him.

 

PAUL

I don’t know, maybe it’s the other way around.  Maybe if she’s really good, he’ll let her be his friend, otherwise, time for a new ad. (pause) They’re fucking sick.

 

KEVIN

They’re not sick, they’re stupid.

 

PAUL

Fine, we’ll compromise- they’re ‘fucking stupid.’

 

KEVIN

Okay, let’s go on.  How about “Women Seeking Women?”

 

PAUL

Fire away.

 

KEVIN

(silently reading)

Well, let’s see- here’s one who is “warm and empathetic” who is seeking a relationship with an androgynous/masculine female.”

 

PAUL

I know what they’re saying, but do they even know the definition?

 

KEVIN

I don’t know.

 

PAUL

Go on.

 

KEVIN

Okay, (silently reading) here’s one who is a Yankee fan seeking the same.

 

PAUL

That’s harmless.  What else?

 

KEVIN

(a realization sweeps over him)

Hey!  Hey!  Hey!

 

PAUL

What?

 

KEVIN

You know, I never realized this before, but there is someone who has been running the same ad for at least a year.

 

PAUL

(becoming interested)

Really?  What does it say?

 

KEVIN

(reading)

It starts off with the heading, “Can You Talk?”  Then the rest goes like this, “Intellect is an aphrodisiac.  60% Helen/40% Jessica Stein.  Cineaste.  Fluid mind/quirky wit, a culture sponge:  yogi/hedonist/hippy/homeowner.  I’m well bred, -read, -traveled, -muscled, -spoken.  Flexible, passionate “seat of the pants” live-lifer, too.  Human(e) oxymoron- Jewish, look Latina; fit and androgynous body; mature 46 years young.  Seeks life long engagement (marriage optional) with open, out (com)passionate, evolved woman who has opinions and interest of her own.  Ex- NYer.  Call me; start a conversation.  Box 18856.” (pause) So what do you think?

 

PAUL

It’s run for a year?

 

KEVIN

Over.

 

PAUL

(thinking)

Well, for starters, we’ve got another one with an androgynous body. (thinking, yet uncertain) I don’t know- over a year- maybe somebody’s doing research, maybe it’s somebody’s gimmick for dissertation data.  Don’t you think?

 

KEVIN

I don’t know.  It’s a very long, very well crafted piece- a very uniquely written piece.  Maybe it’s a code.

 

PAUL

A code?

 

KEVIN

Sure, a code.  Think about it- if you were al-Qaeda, what would be a more perfect place to put a message?  In The Personals.  Do you think that the government is assuming that there is something going on in The Personals besides a bunch of sex-starved people looking for other sex-starved people?  It could be right there in the open! (returning to the ad) Here, listen to some of the things that were written, “…60% Helen / 40% Jessica Stein…” “…yogi/hedonist/hippie/homeowner…” “…I’m well bred, -read, - traveled, -muscled, -spoken…” “…human” - with an ‘e’ in parenthesis - “oxymoron- Jewish, look Latina;…” “…Call me; start a conversation…” (pause) The ad says call me, but gives a box number.

 

PAUL

Hey, who knows, maybe you’re right.

 

KEVIN

(thinking)

Wouldn’t that be interesting. (pause) Anyway, go ahead, it’s your turn.

 

PAUL

All right, I’ll read the headings.  Stop me if anything sounds interesting. (reading) “Attractive Fems Only;” “Friendship First;” “Sweet, Sexy, Smart and Fun;” “Bi Sexual Mistress”-

 

KEVIN

Read that one.

 

PAUL

“Bi sexual mistress, 33, mothering, loving, extremely controlling in search of pretty bi submissive female who enjoys discipline, light b & d, all aspects of submission. No experience necessary. Loving training for right sub.” (pause) Well?

 

KEVIN

Sounds like she knows what she wants. (pause) Anything else?

 

PAUL

(reading further)

Let’s see, after that we then get into the “Multiples.”

 

KEVIN

Hey, The Times doesn’t list “Multiples!”  What do they say?

 

PAUL

(reading)

Okay, all right, here’s one that asks, quote, “Are you into watching me and your wife in the backseat of your car having an erotic encounter?  Me, SWM.  6’2”, in shape, D & D free- 35.”

 

KEVIN

(laughing)

Yeah, I wonder if the guy gets the right to videotape the encounter - and who gets the rights to the tape! (pause) What else?

 

PAUL

(silently reading)

There’s “watching,” “couples,” “watching,” “watch and be watched”-

 

KEVIN

(interrupting)

Go on to the next category.

 

PAUL

That’s “Transgender.”

 

KEVIN

Anything interesting?

 

PAUL

(silently reading)

Well, there’s not that many, ah, here’s a guy who says that he is financially generous, but the ad ends up with him saying, “You pick up the bill.”

 

KEVIN

That’s fucking stupid.  Go on, what’s next?

 

PAUL

Next comes “Anything Goes.”

 

KEVIN

Anything good in “Anything Goes?”

 

PAUL

(silently reading)

Okay, there’s “3’s Company;” “A Tiny Hiney;” “Bathroom Woman Wanted;” “Looking for Sugar Daddy;” “Butt Fetish;” “Thumb Sucker;” “Oral Expert Wanted;” “Rough Mama;” “Babby Boy Looking for Mommy”-

 

KEVIN

(interrupting)

That one - read that one!

 

PAUL

“Baby Boy Looking for Mommy- SWM 27, slim, attractive, brown hair, brown eyes, 5’9”, 180, seeks SWF 18-30, fit to fulfill my fantasy, diaper/spank/pamper me on the changing table.  Serious callers only.”

 

KEVIN

No shit.  I’m surprised that he didn’t ask for references.

 

PAUL

I know.

 

KEVIN

You see, The Times doesn’t run those kinds of ads.

 

PAUL

Kevin, they tell you right at the top of the front page.  You know, “All The News That’s Fit To Print.”

 

KEVIN

Yeah, I suppose that “Rough Mama” and “Watch Me Fuck Your Wife in the Backseat of Your Car” might not qualify as fit to print. (pause) So what’s left?

 

PAUL

“Men Seeking Men.”  You want me to start or do you want to?

 

KEVIN

Sure, I’ll start, though after what you just read, I’m guessing that The Times will be on the tame side. [KEVIN looks for the appropriate category, and then begins to read to himself.]So, we have, “Is It You?;” “Character Counts;” “Take a Chance;” “Unusual”-

 

PAUL

(interrupting)

Read that one.

 

KEVIN

It goes, quote, “70, not good looking.  Beethoven, Tolstoy, J. Kern, B. Crosby, Rachel Dratch, you be younger.”

 

[KEVIN stops reading.]

 

PAUL

That’s it?

 

KEVIN

Except for the box number, that’s it.

 

PAUL

Well, at least he’s honest about himself. (pause) Go on.

 

KEVIN

All right. (silently reading) “Mature, Smart, Sensual;” “Classic All American;” “Home Partner Companion”-

 

PAUL

Naw, you can stop.  They’re all pretty benign. (thinking) It almost seems like they’ve been laundered. (pause) Let me see what’s in the Voice. (reading silently) Let’s see, let’s see- all right, right from the top we have, quote, “Are You A Thuggish Hispanic;” “Cop Wanted;” (reading silently) here’s one- a “Generous Senior” who is discreet and seeks ‘rough trade;’ (reading silently) ah, what else, what else, how about, “Need A Spanking;” “Brooklyn Sucks;” (pause) here’s one- “Wanted:  Hairy Chested Alec Baldwin-type; (reading silently) “Married White Male;” “Football Player;” “Are You Irish or Italian?” “Israeli;” “Japanese;” “Latino;”-

 

KEVIN

(interrupting)

You know, some were okay, but basically these are just people looking for people. Maybe we should go back to the “Anything Goes” section.  They were far more interesting.

 

PAUL

(closing the newspaper)

Yeah, and maybe I should go back to the “Help Wanted” section.

 

KEVIN

And what?  Find another ad that says they’re looking for a “…bright, energetic, self-starter?” (pause) I have a better idea.  Why don’t we go out and get something to eat?  You can work the “Help Wanted” section, tomorrow.

 

PAUL

(thinking)

Sure, why not?

 

 

[KEVIN closes his newspaper, puts it down, stands and walks toward the door.  PAUL does the same.]

 

KEVIN

And who knows, maybe we’ll run into “Thumb Sucker” or “Rough Mamma.”

 

PAUL

I’d like to meet “Tiny Hiney.”

 

KEVIN

(in jest)

Hey!

 

[KEVIN and PAUL exit at stage-left.]

 

BLACKOUT

 

 

John Ladd is currently living in a small town in upstate New York where he is working on a number of projects.  Prior to this, he lived in Tennessee, Georgia and North Carolina before moving to New York City where he spent a considerable amount of time- and still does- writing and having his plays produced at Off-Off Broadway- and other NYC- venues.  When he is not writing, he farms, part-time, with his coonhound buddy, Roma.

 

He continues to have pieces produced at Manhattan Repertory Theatre and The Short Play Lab.  In the past, his pieces have been produced at NYC Equity Library/Piney Fork Press Theater, ActSense Theatre Company, and the Bad Theater Festival. Also, John Ladd has had “An Afternoon of John Ladd Plays” (9) produced at the Piney Fork Press Theater in Manhattan. John Ladd is also a Resident Playwright at the Manhattan Repertory Theatre.