Paul Tristram

Ampire

 

 

"Good morning, this is Daniel Davenport from CNN reporting live from outside this hospital in Budapest. Well folks, for those of you not watching the live webcam last night, all I can say is that Calyco Slynes has done the job and made us all proud. At the stroke of midnight exactly he slayed the beast that has been terrorizing several towns and villages on the outskirts of Transylvania and giving us all growing concern globally. We’ll be showing you the actual footage in just a moment, so don’t go away but first we are heading back to the castle where Donna Dynamite has the latest on the aftermath clear-up.”

 

“Yes, thank you Frank…oh sorry Daniel, it’s just he looks so much like a Frank, don’t you think?"

 

"OK viewers, as you can see we have around 50 C.S.I. officers searching through the rubble and debris. The police busted 2 un-vampiric lackeys, a sleazy little midget and stupid looking ogre of a man, hiding in the castle grounds 3 hours ago. They are both now safely in custody. Listen, I know I shouldn’t give my opinion but I’m gonna. I hope they get the gas chamber for this!

 

About an hour ago the Animal Welfare Team removed 13 pythons, 500 odd rats, over 8,000 bats and a whole pack of wolves from the area. We will, of course, be keeping you updated on the progress and resettlement of these creatures as news comes in.

 

Right, let’s get a bit of background in concerning the headline story for all of you that have been living in a cave for the last week or so. On the late evening of New Years Day 2014, the She-Devil Vampire known as Brimstone Augusta awoke from a hundred year sleep. Within 3 hours she had attacked 2 milkmaids walking home from a dance, where she drank and gorged on blood from their throats and armpits, Ew!

 

Both milkmaids are still alive but in comas and are being taken care of in a heavily guarded and fortified army complex at an undisclosed site not too far away.

 

After this start to her fresh reign of terror Brimstone Augusta, flew back home to the castle and updated her Facebook status for the whole world to see.

 

First, we sent in the Seals and the S.A.S. but bullets and knives simply will not work on a vampire. Next we sent in Ninjas from the Orient and the Welsh with their famous longbows but to no avail.  She was just too fast. Just then, at the point of world panic and helplessness, a hero stepped forward. Swoon, Blush, Sigh… Calyco Slynes, the lead singer and guitarist with the sleaze rock band Pole-Dancer Slick. I must apologize for the involuntary noises that I’m making viewers but I’m one of Calyco’s biggest fans. My name used to be Brittany Williamson’ until I changed it via deed-poll to Donna Dynamite, which was the name of Calyco’s teenage true love who died tragically in that car wreck on prom night after I saw him doing a triple backflip whilst playing the intro on a 12 string acoustic guitar of the ballad he wrote and dedicated to her called, I miss cradling you like your favourite pair of worn panties, honeydew.

 

Anyways, Calyco called up the president directly and demanded to be flown in immediately claiming that he had already saved the world of Hard Rock N’ Roll, slaying a vampire and saving the world would simply be a natural progression along the pathway to his impending immortality, besides she was female and Calyco has never met a girl yet he couldn’t captivate and hypnotize with his riff-tastic genius.

 

So Calyco, 4 roadies and some groupies were flown in with the equipment, 5 cases of Jack Daniels and Budweiser and a suspicious looking crate with a red stamp on the side of it from Peru? After a few hours of partying hard and casually flicking his fringe, he stepped away from the campfire and his small band of devotees to climb up onto the carefully constructed platform.

 

After picking up his favourite Les Paul, he stood back-arched against the life-sized model Celtic Cross gravestone and with the moonlight shining down onto his pale, beautiful god-like face. He took a pull upon the Marlboro Red balancing artistically between his lips and started to play the first few notes to the theme from The Godfather.

 

Almost instantly there was a orgasmic shriek of pure evil and a foul smelling swirl of mist and shadows tornado’d itself out from the bowels of the castles dungeons and up onto the platform in front of Calyco transforming itself immediately into a swooning Brimstone Augusta.

 

Calyco held her captive with his tantalizing gaze as he slid his guitar tip down to the floor and with an Olympic gold medal winning gymnastic movement and flourish, he broke the guitar head completely off with his left size 9 foot, spun the amputated instrument back around to waist height like some lightning fast gunslinger, then lunged the jagged guitar neck up and into her foul blackheart. He turned her in an anti-clockwise half-circle before impressively impaling her upon his massive stack of Marshall Amps.

 

Her body then preceded to crumble to dust and ashes over the next few minutes and were carefully swept up and flown to a secret military base somewhere out in the southern portion of the Nevada Desert. Our Brave Hero Calyco is about to be discharged from the hospital in Budapest where our original news team are waiting outside of right now. He has had to undergo Tetanus shots and general inspections and observations but has just been given the all clear. We’re all about to finish up here and head on over to stalk… I mean join our other news team and watch them interview him shortly.

 

So that’s it for now, from me Donna Dynamite. Back to Frank… I mean Daniel outside the hospital in Budapest.”

 

“I don’t look like a Frank do I? Unless Frank is codename for looking James Bond like. Ha! So, there you go folks, the panic is over, the world is a beautiful safe place again. Like I said earlier. we’re about to run the actual footage of the slaying as promised. It will also be re-played 10 times a day for the next 5 days. All that remains is for me to let you know that Calyco Slynes' record company, the notorious Sleazeoid Productions & Co will be releasing his new album Gravest Hits & Lesbian Licks at midnight this Saturday!”

 

 

 

Paul Tristram is a Welsh writer who has poems, short stories, sketches and photography published in many publications around the world; he yearns to tattoo porcelain bridesmaids instead of digging empty graves for innocence at midnight. This too may pass, yet. You can read his poems and stories here! http://paultristram.blogspot.co.uk/